A page from a womans diary
As I absentmindedly turned another page of my life last night, a sudden thought crossed my mind. Why is it that I never stopped to bookmark some of those pages from the book of my life, at least the ones that I considered significant? There were many paragraphs that I should and would have loved to re – read. Those special moments marked in my book and specially saved for the “someday when I have lots of time”. The pages in which I had written about what I plan to be when I grow up. Also some of those (now a little frayed and yellowing) pages in which I drew the picture of my dream home. They were so painstakingly well written! In this book, I had also preserved some wonderful souvenirs, some dried flowers, colourful feathers, few dried leaves and a piece of paper that had a small hand print of my best friend. My most prized possessions!
As I grew, I often found myself wanting to erase and tear out some pages and paragraphs from the book of my life, wishing they had been never written! Unfortunately, I was unable to do so. Whenever I sat down to write a fresh new page, the blowing breeze would invariably open up and lay those annoying erstwhile pages in front of me, clouding my thoughts. So I decided to appoint a little voice inside me that would warn me. I paid, encouraged and nurtured this voice allowing it to grow. It would always help me and tell me what was right or wrong. I was happy and allowed it to dominate my thoughts, feeling and my being. Soon it began telling me what to write in my own book. I had no choice or control over it anymore. I would read each page from the past and decipher it the way this inner voice wanted me to. It had gained complete control over me! It soon started saying things I didn’t want to hear! Now not a day goes by when I don't hear that nasty, contemptuous, nagging voice saying, "You can't do anything right. You're a loser. You're not good enough. This is not your cup of tea “It had managed to make me, my own worst enemy. I wanted to shut this voice out, erase it and tear it out of me. I wanted to re- read the old pages of my book, but couldn’t. One fine day, I realised I had been reading my old pages from my life book ,with a pair of spectacles expensively bought from the “selfcritical” store . No wonder I couldn’t see much! I should have been wiser! I should have underlined those special lines and paragraphs with my red pen, the one that I had so lovingly bought from the “mark your achievement” store. I wonder where I put that pen! It used to write so beautifully. I used to give some amazing stars to myself with it as a little girl. I would use it for everything, for writing my best friend’s name, copying my favourite teacher’s signature. Why! I had even used it to draw my first picture of a rising sun! I remember being so proud of myself then! But as time passed, I started using it less and less. I was giving myself less number of stars each day, began evaluating myself critically at the end of each page. My beautiful handwriting had by now turned into scribbles. I now find myself picking up any pen that is lying around to scribble in my life book’s pages with strange things like, targets, deadlines, to do list, recipes, my family’s needs, children’s fees, doctor’s appointments, birthdays, anniversaries, due dates and bill payments, telephone numbers of grocer, plumber, electrician….. There are no doodles, drawings of a rising sun, beautiful home, and tomorrow’s dreams, no dried petals or leaves in it anymore. Sadly, I can’t even decipher my best friend’s number I had once hurriedly jotted down !!!
Do I sound familiar to you? Have you been nurturing that voice too? Does it bother you as much? Don’t worry; you and I are not the only ones doing this. Millions of us find ourselves battling a self-critic that we can never get away from. This critical inner voice makes us feel sad, hopeless and helpless. It makes us feel stuck in regret. We dwell on all of our past mistakes and think the future will be even worse. We can never get away from your own worst enemy, our own inner voice!
The good news is that we can defeat that inner voice and put it down in five simple steps.
1. Replace self-criticism with self-correction: Remember go to the right store and get yourself the right pen to write each page of your life book with.
2. Start looking for the positives: all of us have that little girl inside us who once drew a beautiful picture of a rising sun. Open up those pages again. Love them for they were indeed beautiful!
3. Be as kind to yourself as you are to others: We are often much harsher with ourselves than we are with a friend, or others. Recognize this double standard, and when you start criticizing yourself, stop and direct the kindness and compassion that you feel for your best friend toward yourself. Just as you need your friends on your side, you need yourself in your corner. Ask yourself, "If my best friend had this problem, how would I support her?" And then treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.
4. Let Yourself Be Human: All of have faults, make mistakes and are imperfect. Accept this. Think of people you know, their flaws and defects. You love them in spite of all that don’t you? Don’t spend hours moping, allowing that voice to criticize you. Love yourself regardless.
5. Focus on goals and not on the self critic voice: Move on, let the voice chatter away. Let it do its job you do yours. You will find that it will soon fade away and not bother you anymore.
- Veena ShyamRaja
