We are well into another chilly December. As usual, I stand in my balcony as I inhale the freshness of the dawn. What a pleasure it is, to savor the comforting warmth of a piping hot coffee mug between my fingers. When the weather is cold outside, we appreciate the warmth of a coffee mug (or a cup of irani chai, if you are Hyderabadi) much more than usual. If you are not an early bird like me, imagine you are huddling up under your favorite blanket on a winter morning. Honestly, do we really want the winter to go away? Isn't it the beauty of the experience, that we appreciate the pleasure and comfort of warmth only in winter? How nice it would be if we can live our lives staying as open to all experiences and fully appreciating the beauty in contrast without resisting any of it as unwanted!!

A couple of days ago, one of my friends posted some old pictures of an outing with all our classmates. It made me feel nostalgic about those olden days. I was looking at our photos of a roller coaster ride, we all had such funny expressions on our faces. No two faces held same expression. I now remember, we all got into it with so much excitement to enjoy the ride. Everyone was excited with anticipation until the ride picked up it's speed. All were screaming out of excitement of the ride, before hitting the most vulnerable position and height. Once it picked up speed and reached a certain position, the screams did continue but there is a difference now. Some screamed of excitement, some out of fear, some felt nauseous, some were thrilled. All of us knew that we are tied up very securely and there is no way that we can fall from there. Even then, we just couldn't shake off the panic and fear. What's most interesting is, the physical sensation is same for everyone. A tightness in chest, nervous excitement in limbs, blood rushing into head and so on. But the interpretation is so different. Some took all this sensation as thrill and euphoria and some felt the same sensation as fear and panic! Some guys even swore they will never get on another ride!!
 
It is similar with our life. We were lovingly put on this roller coaster of life by the divine, just for the fun and excitement of the ride. We all took up this life of being a human to experience a variety of situations with curiosity, openness and anticipation. We do enjoy it that way, but only till the time all our experiences and emotions are related to happiness. As long as life is as per our expectations, we enjoy, we are happy, smiling, cheerful and peaceful. When life is not how we think it should be or it is taking unexpected twists and turns, we don't like it that much. We kick and scream, we resist and push away anything that causes a painful emotion.
 
Let us remember, it is this unfelt and unresolved emotional pain that keeps the subconscious impressions in place. But imprints belong to the past, they need not color our present experience. First step to our freedom from past is to let go of our resistance to feel. There are many reasons why we push away some experiences. One reason may be that we have a strong objection and resistance to emotional pain, we dread facing our pain. Another reason, we think we will be seen as weak, small or less if we express any undesirable emotions. Or we may also be afraid we will lose control or grip on ourselves if we start experiencing emotions, like we may be lost in uncontrollable anger.
 
When we were on the ride, each one of us experienced a unique feeling. As my feeling is unique to me, when I express it, other people might try to understand my feeling but may not experience it the way I did. It's the same case in our lives too, we go through so many events, situations filled with twists and turns. At every level we go through so many feelings, emotions and we alone know and understand what we have gone through, be it happiness or sadness or anger. If we express our feelings or emotions, we may possibly be ridiculed for the experience. But can we expect others to honor our feelings when we do not honor them ourselves?
 
When we don't experience excitement or joy or happiness, we generally tend to make it to be wrong. We were told that anything not equal to happiness is bad. Secondly, we tend to feel shy or small about our experience or start making it wrong because other friends who experienced excitement have ridiculed or made mockery of our experience. We tend to get into comparisons. What we tend to forget here is, even fear or nausea is also an experience, just like happiness. Someone who enjoyed the ride is fully involved in the ride. But the person who experienced the fear or nausea do not experience the ride at all, he is just fighting with his fear. It is so very common for all of us that we hold on to pain or / and anything other than happiness for a long period of time and hold on to happiness for a very less amount of time.
 
Look at the real roller coaster rides. The physical sensation hits us only at a certain point of the ride. Rest of the ride is all plain sailing. All it takes, is to just sit tight in those vulnerable points. But since we dread that sensation at that one point, we cannot experience any fun in the entire ride. In life too, we dread facing situations that involve painful emotions. And due to this fear, we tend to hold on to pain much more longer. How many positive emotional experiences you had in childhood? How many of them do you remember and recollect now? That's why painful  experiences make stronger impression on us. If only we are equally open to all our emotions, be it painful or happy! When we don't resist, it would be as just one experience that gives way to another.
 
As we grew up as children, we did not know how to handle painful emotions. But we are grown up adults now, not vulnerable infants or children anymore. So as mature adults, it is now easier to deal with painful emotions. All it takes is to ask 'how does it make me feel' and feel through it. No need to express it or react. Just feel and experience fully. When we allow ourselves to feel all emotions without resistance, there will not be any need to defend or fight with situations. We will then be able to use our discrimination to judge what is right in a situation and express ourselves without reacting. When there is no fear of facing painful situations, life gets a lot easier. It is such a great comfort when we are capable to face any situation or person without being affected by them.
 
Life is exciting, not challenging. When divine placed us here, it is meant to be a fun ride. But fun doesn't just mean happiness and joy. Excitement does have a tinge of fear in it. That's what makes it thrilling. But that fear need not color our experience of the entire ride.

- Ramakrishna Maguluri
Engaging with Life
ELAI
engagingwithlife@yahoo.com