World Funniest Jokes

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say.

'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said.

'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen."

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "That driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off! Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies, "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"

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Texan: "Where are you from?"

Harvard Grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

Texan: "OK - where are you from, jackass?"

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A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."