Arranged Marriage

I f you are a typical, single, Indian man who lives in the USA, the time will come when it will dawn on you that the only chance you have to indulge in wedded bliss lies in the hallowed institution of the "Arranged Marriage".

You probably left India when you were twenty-one, having squandered your adolescence striving to get here. At this point, you are twenty-five or older, and have been out of touch with the general Indian female population for more than a decade.

All the women you know back home are married. This manual is written for those of you who harbor hopes of acquiring a beautiful arranged bride.

If you belong to the rarified set of intellectuals to whom the external female form holds no charms, and those who evaluate others according to the quality of their inner selves, this manual is not for you. Before you stop reading, please accept my heartiest congratulations on your self control and ideological correctness.

I am not worthy of even addressing you (kneel! kneel!). No, this manual is for the rest of you, mere mortals, who still have enough red blood in their veins so that you can admit, even to yourselves, that you rather like the idea of having a beautiful wife. Of course, before I even go about describing how to acquire beauty, it is necessary to define it. And this is where I expect the most disagreement.

There will be those among you who proclaim, "But beauty is in the eye of the beholder!" And you would be partly right. If you are a man who equates beauty to facial attractiveness, there is not much that this manual can do for you.

You are a very fortunate man, for Indian women have the most beautiful faces of any race in the world. You have a very large pool to choose from, and you do not need much help in choosing, because you can look at each prospective bride's face and decide whether she is beautiful or not. No, this is written for those who would like their wife to have a good figure too. For you, the job is harder. Typically, Indian women do not get much physical exercise, and consequently, if they are not scrawny, tend to be on the overweight side.

Why do you think sarees are so popular in India? Because they can hide all the embarrassing bulk! Some men think that Indian women do not have shapely legs by reasons of genetics. I say to them, check out the figures of the IA (ABCD to you politically incorrect guys) women. They are on par with anything I have seen on any other race.

This is because IA women work out and take care to keep themselves in shape. You cannot go covering yourself up around here, not if you want to get dates.

If you are one of those academic types who have not given much thought to the matter, or merely one of those blighters who like to ask intelligent questions to which you already know the answers, and ask me, "But why does one NEED a beautiful wife?" I would reply that beauty is a double edged sword. It has its advantages and disadvantages, some of which I summarize below.