We're convinced that extreme sex positions were created to make us common folk feel like we are failing at sexual intercourse and therefore, life. We're all for adventure and experimentation in the bedroom, but does that have to involve getting penetrated while standing on your head? We think not. Considering that the longest we've ever held a headstand in yoga class was for, oh, about five breaths (and that was while balancing against the wall after months of practice), we don't think we'll be engaging in upside-down-sex anytime soon. Unless we have years to train for it. Maybe Sting and Trudie can pull it off, but the rest of us are laughing our asses all the way to Missionary.
Pair of Tongs :
You balancing on one arm in a side plank. Him holding your waist. He straddles your bottom leg and inserts P in V.
Why It's Impossible: If you're not a master at side plank, or don't have the upper body strength of Madonna, your arms are going to collapse or you are going to fall on your head the minute he starts pumping. Let's be honest, he's going to forget that you are in a precarious position the minute penis hits vagina and sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but side entry doesn't always feel pleasurable.
Fire Hydrant :
You in a tripod headstand with your legs bent and spread eagle while he does you from the upside-down, front.
Why It's Impossible: For starters, most of the world can't do a tripod headstand without hurting themselves. If you can, good for you, but can you hold it long enough to achieve orgasm? Can you hold it with your legs spread like that? Can he hold you up while he thrusts without giving you a spinal cord injury? These are a few of the questions that must be addressed before you try this one.
He stands on his head with his legs in the splits while you wrap yourself around his torso, scissor between his legs and balance in his armpit.
Why It's Impossible: Look ma, no hands! Or not. There are so many logistical issues here. Starting with: you may be dating a professional break dancer, and he may be able to do some electric bugaloo bullshit, but he can't balance hands-free and pump his upside-down dick in you while you're balancing in his armpit. There's this thing, you see, it's called gravity.
Bumper Cars :
You face away from each other and bump butts as somehow, he enters you.
Why It's Impossible: We can't even figure out how his penis would get into any of your orifices. It's too high for entry without bending. Logistically ... impossible.
The Triple Lindy :
He holds you in the air, from behind, while you balance on his penis.
Why It's Impossible: The people on "Dancing With The Stars" can barely do this, and they don't even have their genitals involved. Chances are about 100 percent that your grip is going to slip, you are going to do a face plant and fracture his penis in the process.
The Back Breaker :
He levitates in mid-air while you sit on his penis with your legs hooked around his neck.
Why It's Impossible: Nobody can levitate, not even your awesome-ass boyfriend. OK. Maybe David Blaine.
You get in a plow pose and he sits on you sideways and inserts his penis ... somewhere.
Why It's Impossible: Where is his penis going? In the vagina or the butt? Either way that's going to hurt like hell. A grown man, putting his full weight on your lower back. We can almost hear our spines crunching.
The London Bridge :
Someone gets in a bridge and someone sits on top of them.
Why It's Impossible: These joint positions are completely unnatural for human beings. That, and we'd love to know the person who can hold a bridge with another human being sitting on their pelvis. That London Bridge ... is falling down. And we haven't even discussed how the penis and vagina would line up for penetration. Bloody ridiculous, as the Brits would say.
Pogo Stick :
He holds you on his dick in mid-air, facing forward.
Why It's Impossible: Do you have the abdominal strength to hold yourself in that position? Unless you are an Olympic athlete, NO. And even if you did, does he have the arm strength to keep you from falling backwards and cracking your head open? You know the answer.
The Ballerina :
You balance on one leg with the other extended in the air while he enters you standing up.
Why It's Impossible: Can you extend your leg that high in the air and balance without falling? Didn't think so. We'd be having to work on our flexibility for our entire lives to make this come true. Attempting The Ballerina unless you're "Black Swan" material would earn most of us a trip to the physical therapist … or worse.